Has Stopped Breathing Only to Come Alive Again When About to Be Interred to the
Death brings out the best and worst in families. Working with patients and families at the terminate-of-life, nosotros've seen behavior that runs all along the spectrum. And though we dear to gloat positive, warm-fuzzy, supportive, interactions, today nosotros're going to spend a little time talking about family unit fighting afterwards a death.
When otherwise amicable friend groups and families fight afterward a death, information technology can feel like a secondary loss. You lot're trying to cope with the expiry of your loved i, and suddenly your support organization is not simply unsupportive but a source of additional stress.
If this has been your experience, delight know that y'all are not alone. Not even shut! Then many people tin can chronicle to family fighting after a death. What's the number one source of conflict? Yous guessed it, fighting over material possessions.
As hard equally it is for many of us to admit, countless families who never imagine there would exist conflict over fabric things are of a sudden overwhelmed by disagreement over estates and belongings.
Common Textile Conflicts:
When to begin sorting through belongings. Some people are ready correct away, some people want more than time before sorting through items.
Who gets what. Specially when there is non a will, but fifty-fifty when there is a will, at that place are often many household items or sentimental objects that are not accounted for.
What to keep and what to give away. Zipper to objects tin vary greatly from person to person. While one person may want to save every Tupperware container and tube of chapstick that mom ever owned, other family unit members may be quick to toss those items in the trash.
Whether to keep or sell a house. Houses can have tremendous sentimental value, making them something many family members don't want to part with. Houses tin too hold tremendous value, making them something many family members may desire to sell right away.
Money money money. Whether it is scraping together money to pay for a funeral, or dividing up bank accounts and investments without a will for articulate guidance, money can quickly go a sore spot.
Boosted sources of conflict:
There are many other sources of strain and conflict that tin can arise for families. There is no way I could cover them all here, but some other common conflicts are:
Disagreements about treatment at the stop of life. Conflict can begin fifty-fifty before a loved ane dies when families disagree about goals of care, withdrawing support at the infirmary, and caregiving responsibilities.
Arrangements. Questions like whether someone will be buried or cremated, where will the service be held, where will they be buried, etc. can bring surprising strife between family members.
Relocating. Later on a death, it is not uncommon that people may movement, either by choice or out of necessity. This can split a family geographically and exist devastating for those who experience left backside.
Custody. When death results in children who must be cared for, conflict can arise around who will get custody of the children if this was not predetermined.
Dissimilar grieving styles. We all grieve in unlike ways and on different timelines. When people are grieving differently this can be a major source of conflict within families. This is especially common if 1 family member thinks another is non as impacted past the expiry or they are 'moving on' too quickly.
How to cope with family fighting after a death:
I wish nosotros had an piece of cake solution to solve all disharmonize. If we did, we'd probably be decorated making the rounds on Oprah and Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. All nosotros can provide a little insight into why these conflicts may ascend and a few suggestions to cope.
The Encephalon
Did you know that when people experience stress, their brains actually work differently? It's truthful! I don't want to get bogged down in neuroscience, merely all you really need to know is this: in that location are parts of our encephalon that think rationally and there are parts of our encephalon that think more than on impulse and emotion.
When someone is in a heightened country due to a stressful or traumatic event, it is harder to call back with the rational part of the brain and then they default to using the emotional parts of their brain. These are the parts that struggle with reasoning, retentiveness, and long-term thinking.
Ultimately, when multiple people, nether stress, interim from a place of emotion collaborate, conflicts can ascend.
Command
Experiences related to death and grief often make people feel a loss of command. As CS Lewis said, "No ane ever told me grief felt so similar fear". This change, loss of control, and loss of stability tin can be terrifying.
During this fourth dimension certain family members may seek to regain a sense of control whatsoever manner they can. They may try to plan the funeral without getting anyone else'south input. They may determine they immediately want to sort through belongings. They may endeavour to exert control over other family members grief and coping.
Helping another family unit member to have a sense of control, while communicating how their deportment are making others feel, can be helpful. If control seems to be a driving gene, other family members may be able to help guide this person'due south energy into things that would exist useful and that may cause less family strife.
Communication
Communication (or lack thereof) can be a key effect that leads to conflict. If a plan isn't made for who, when, and how certain things will exist handled, it is not uncommon for one person to become rogue. Communicating isn't always easy, but information technology is crucial to reducing conflict.
If at all possible, make a plan right abroad for how and when things will be handled. Concord on a time frame to all sit down down together to go over the will, discuss next steps, and ensure everyone is on the aforementioned page. Make a program for regular updates and communication between family unit members.
If it is too tardily for proactive planning, focus on giving feedback and getting back on rail. Continue in heed that emotions are running high, so it is especially important to communicate effectively. Endeavor to avert accusatory statements. Instead, focus on expressing your own feel.
This is the old "use 'I' statements instead of 'y'all' statements" trick. So, for example, instead of proverb, "I can't believe you threw away mom'southward clothes without talking to me get-go. Y'all are so self-centered and thoughtless". Instead, you could say, "I was really hurt when you threw away mom's wearing apparel without talking to me commencement. Information technology made me feel like you didn't care about my grief or my zipper to those things.".
Past focusing on the beliefs, how information technology made you feel, and the impact you can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive. Also, be open to their feedback. You probably oasis't been perfect either, so attempt to openly listen to what they need from you lot.
Generalizing the Negative
Try not to generalize or globalize negative behaviors to condemn the person on a whole. For example, y'all and cousin John have been close for 35 years and yous think he is a great guy. After the death of your grandmother, he seems selfishly fixated on getting ownership of her car. You are outraged and appalled, so you think to yourself, "Wow, I e'er thought John was a good person. At present I see him for what he really is. I can't believe I never realized how greedy he is". All all of a sudden everything else John does is clouded by your new-found realization that John is a shady, greedy troll.
Timeout. Let's take a few steps dorsum here. Grief makes us all practise crazy, sometimes crappy, things that we often regret. It is of import to cut people (and ourselves) some slack. People practise all sorts of awful stuff when they grieve, so view these things equally poor choices due to an impossible time in life. It doesn't override the ten, xv, 35, or 50 years of wonderful things y'all know about the person. Endeavor to remember that this may be the exception in their behavior, non the rule. But similar you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, you lot demand to exist gentle and forgiving with others.
One final tip – Mediation
If there is truly no managing the conflict on your own, there are professional mediators who can assistance. They tin piece of work with your family to get through the basic logistics. They are trained professionals and you may only find some time with them can help yous amend empathise each other.
Here are a few additional posts related to this topic that you may observe helpful:
- Family Misunderstanding After a Death
- Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Cloth Possessions
- Grief Support Gone Incorrect: When You lot're Across Second Chances
- Sorting Through a Loved One's Property After a Death [Webinar and Resources]
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Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/
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